The heart of the matter.

One doesn't realize how much it hurts to be rejected until they have experienced it twice in a period of two months. How is it possible for one to release an uncontrollable river of sobs when tears haven't been released in almost a year? The fresh imprint of those tears is perhaps a reflection of what remains from a discouraged heart. A heart that has been continuously pushed back-and-forth by the wind.

Perhaps you have an idea of the two events in which I am referring to; I have been rejected. Oh no-excuse me- I have been made an "alternate." As if there is some significant difference to the future events that are to take place. Yes, the events which took place are substantially different; possessing different factors. And I do understand the factors in one of the situations; nonetheless it does not lessen the disappointment.

I apologize for this melancholy lullaby. Or actually, maybe I am really not sorry. Maybe it is okay for one to pity them self, when pity is never an emotion felt. When that one person, in spite of all the heart break, rejection, and disillusionment that takes place in their life; doesn't let that stop them. What if this was the icing on the cake? The one moment needed to break. To break, all encompassing moments. As it seemed when the letter was snatched out my hand in unbelief of my plight- things aren't always as you expect them to be. I've been trying to find a way to understand. But I can't see the picture of Gods plan. Why would he let us hurt so badly? Could anything good come of this feeling I've had?

In all of this His love continues to convince me it's going to be okay. Truthfully, it is something hard to grasp when accepting a determining factor that begins with the words, "I regret to inform you..." Then ends with, "I am sorry, but I sincerely appreciate your hard work...blah blah blah." Who cares, right? Then the echoes of the voices around you are what remain when you are lying in bed at night, "It's not that big of a deal!" However, one voice drowns them out, it echoes truth; "Keiko, it just wasn't Gods will... It will work out in the end and what's meant to be will come to pass." A friend is always there to drown out all of the apathetic nonsense. Friends are always there to take you out to the penguin when you feel like your world is falling apart at the seams. As it may seem. With a rainfall of tears falling out of my eyelids leaving a trail down my face, in the midst of the anguish I feel comfort and assurance of what is most important as a friend is there to hold me in their arms whispering "It will be okay."

And it will, believe it or not. It will, it always is. Right? Well maybe the latter of those statements is not exactly true in all cases, however it sure sucks if you don't know what covers all disappointment, all rejection, and all heart break. The truth is Beloved reader, God has promised to never leave or forsake you. He will never reject you, even when it may seem everyone else is. This dearheart is a thing I know. I know for certain. I know this as much as I know that I am alive. I can feel what lieing to yourself does; telling yourself that you are not good enough- see look, you have two letters to prove it. Those were the ridiculous words that came out of my mouth.

If there is one thing I want you to keep with you after reading my thoughts it is to never believe the lie that you are not enough. Never believe the lie that you are too much. Because you are neither of these. You are everything you were meant to be and you are the only antagonist in the story that is your life. You are the only person holding you back. If you have, or continue to hold on to either of those lies, right now I want you to no longer declare ownership over them. I want you to release those lies out of your heart. How do you begin? By drowning out the lies with truth. Tell yourself; make yourself believe that you are enough. You have what it takes, and no one else can take your place.

You are eternally and unconditionally loved by the lover of all lovers. He is the lover of your soul, and loves you more than the sand that covers the beaches. He loves you so much that even in the midst of fog, he brings clarity. Clarity for those who choose to abide in Him.