"insanity" is insanity-

i started working out last week doing the"insanity" workout. rather painful i must say, but seeing that i'm not dancing like i used to i need something to supplement. though, nothing feels like dancing. i miss it, i really do. i didn't take any classes this year, but i auditioned for all of the shows and got to dance pieces i was proud to be apart of.

i just really miss the ache after a good barre, and adagio. i was always the odd ball in class that loved adagio's and begged the teacher for more and was resented for it. i feel most beautiful and alive when i'm dancing. in front of a mirror, defying all the odds that scream, "your body can't do this! it wasn't designed for this type of movement." ignoring what may perhaps be my greater conscience, i push through. i conquer.

there's nothing like the few minutes that come before entering on stage. nothing like that shot of adrenaline that pulsates up and down my spine. the few words i whisper to myself. the feeling of being the most aware of my own presence than i ever am at any other moment of my existence.

i trained so many years to be a dancer and the year i spent in a ballet company was enough to knock sense into me. i discovered it wasn't my calling. nevertheless, i still dance. i will always dance because i am convinced if i stop dancing, i stop living.

the mere thought of never dancing again evokes the most poignant sensation of deep remorse.
i must keep dancing through life. i have no other choice.

this new working out thing is strange on my body- it's not used to such athleticism. i'm struggling to allow my muscles to learn a new way. i still can't let go of what i already know. i am reluctant to allow my body to learn a new way- there was nothing wrong with the old.
i am a dancer, i will always be a dancer.

even my body knows this and refuses to accept any other pseudo-identity.