on hoping-

i have always been fascinated by the way moods can change so abruptly. i have wondered what it must be like to live an emotionless life, in retrospect of nothing. i resolve to accepting i could and would never want to lead such a dull life, void of all the excitement that comes after disappointment and is birthed from extremity. two days ago i received the news of my week, perhaps my life; that will be determined in the coming months. nevertheless, the news was enough to keep me hoping.

hope is such a beautiful, yet fleeting way to capture moments in time. that is how i like to measure my life, by the moments i possessed the most hopefulness. hope is, after all, what keeps us moving- keeps us from calling it quits when we have come to our wit's end.

i believe i am about to enter into the climax of a chapter long awaited. i am not quite sure how i feel about that, but i do know these conflicting emotions only serve to render me powerless. this absolute lack of control i have over my future in matters pertaining to such is... is- well i have yet to come to terms with this reality- still living in an idealized world conceived through a romanticized view of what could and should be, rather than what is.

in short and less flowery, i'm on the brink of falling in love. as devastating and enthralling as it may be; i welcome it all the same.