on assurance-

You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you. (Isadora Duncan, creator of modern dance)

there's something about that last sentence matched up with the first, it echoes. don't let them tame you. i can't stop thinking about those five words. and perhaps there's a deeper emphasis on them as of late.

he kissed me. finally, after months of going on dates and getting to know each other, he finally kissed me. and just as expected, i became weak with that one kiss. to finally be able to comprehend his feelings resembled that of a weight being lifted. i am wanted. what a notion. even more, what a reality. to think someone so lovely and wonderful could find me of want- i just don't know how to live in this. 

but you see, here is where the self-created obstacle comes in. this is the part where i start putting up the wall (or have in the past). but i don't want to mess this up; i really don't want to. it's just, if one kiss and now, another, can undo me so quickly i don't know what a third one would do. and the labels to come, the togetherness and the no longer just 'me,' but now, 'me and ___.' shoot, that is terrifying. scary. i don't know what's next, and then i hear the echo again "...don't let them tame you."

 the tantrum begins...  i want to be forever wild. i don't want to be tied to anything or anyone. 

that's the problem. i want to fall madly in love, yet i fear losing touch of who i am alone. i've worked so hard to get to this point, to be okay with solitude. to not just live contently in my singleness, but to actually love it. the freedom of serving and loving others in the midst of singleness. and then he comes along and oh how things change. my heart changes... i suddenly have a want to be wanted, a desire to be thought of as 'me and ____.'a longing to share something, like a name or to grasp a hand that isn't my own and to do so without reluctance or fear of being rejected.

i want to be sure, that's what it all comes down to. i want to finally be sure that i am loved in return.