on the questions themselves-

often the questions are more important than the answers themselves. the very fact that we had the courage to ask them is enough.

i left therapy this week with said realization, or perhaps a reminder of a truth i had known all along. i've spent almost a year plus in love, hopelessly, with a man who did not have the courage to love me in return. i deserve that much, i really do. the very fact that i have come to the point of admitting this is a feat in itself. i am lovable. my god, i am. 

so here is where i stand. not completely whole again, but i am so damn close. closer than i have been in this year plus of ups and downs. after an hour of talking in circles, she (my therapist) asked me to clarify what it is i want. she wanted to know where i see myself after all of this, or rather she wanted me to speak the words so that i can hear them from my own mouth. 

i see myself at peace.

there it is. it isn't the answers to all the haunting "why's?" and "what if's?" but the burden of the unasked that has been my demon. i don't need to know if things could have been different because they could have. or if he loved me because he may have. if we were different people, during another time, at another place, then maybe just maybe we could have been right for each other. for the world. i stopped wanting the answers months ago, not even knowing that the very fact i asked the questions would release the burden. because that is all i have been waiting for. to let go of the questions. 

he isn't the thing haunting me. the unasked questions are.

it took me a year plus and three therapy sessions to come to this realization. you know what is even more amazing than that? i forgive myself for that time lost. 

goodness, i am so close.