on ridding the world of a lie-

January 04, 2014

on ridding the world of a lie-

i am fascinated by the way small things can move us in big ways. words being one of them.

i spent the past weeks of possibly my last winter break ever as a university student, reflecting and preparing for a future. a future that is at this moment a blank page. while flipping through the pages of my favorite novel, i came across these highlighted words,

i hit the space bar again and again and again. my life story was all spaces.

i sat overwhelmed and again struck by the power of someone elses words to say that which you could never articulate. it seems everyday a friend living the post grad life is wishing the best for me; a seemingly good wish always wrapped in a transition, following are the words: "i hope everything turns out your way and you don't get post grad stress." naturally, i can only laugh. when does anything ever work out our way?

i'm not banking on the transition of the next few months being a perfect one, nothing ever is. except the imperfect, oddly. right now i am positively in love with the way small things move me in big ways. how i can stand composed at an airport saying goodbye to a friend returning home to south korea. only a year ago my world would have shattered in such a parting.

sitting in the passenger seat of my car, he looks at me and uttered the words i have become so familar hearing, "keiko, this has been the best semester of my life."with all the experience and inspiration i could gather from within, i respond. "i promise you, life does get better. it can be this perfect again and it will be."

how many semesters have passed, how many goodbyes said and yet- yet i have found said goodbyes often turn into 'see you soon.' as we do in fact, see each other soon. sooner than we could have ever dreamt.

i have only one wish for the new year as i continue to live in forgiveness. my wish is to rid the world- even if only around me- of a ridiculous notion. life can and does in fact get better. better than even our best days, especially our best days. on some of my darkest, i have seen this truism prove the flickering light, once stuffed out, purposeful. university does not have to be and will not be 'the best four years of my life.' it's just not possible! there is too much left to see, to do, and so much left to give. i carry all that i need within me.

as i hurl myself into a world that is not quite ready for me, not to be confused as being the other way around, i remind myself the world will never be ready. it never is. so if we wait for the day it will be ready, we'll be waiting for a very long time. in the middle of said waiting, we'll find ourselves in regret of all the days we missed living because we were waiting to live.

anyone who believes that a second is faster than a decade did not live my life. / jonathan safran foer

i resolve to being moved in every way possible, each day. when i look back on 2014 it will be a compilation of small, seemingly insignificant seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months, all connecting to form a morage of a life lived breathlessly. i am unashamedly obsessed with this notion of having your breath taken away- living to "the point of tears" as camus wrote. whether it is the sadness, the overwhelming happiness, or the wonder in between- i dedicate my life to being constantly moved.

i want you to do the same. if we fail in everything else, may we succeed in this one thing. it all starts with forginess. we must choose to forgive ourself each day. we must remind self that though we fail us and others, we must never think self too far gone to be forgiven. i will no longer make this mistake, i can't afford to. you can't either- we have a life waiting to be lived... and may it never cease to find us gazing on the mountaintop or even in the valley- wherever life finds us. may it never cease to find us breathless. in tears. arms outstreached. moved.