on accepting the love you deserve-

so that's all it took, two and a half hours of you on the other end of my screen. your laughter, that smile. with you i forget there is a such thing as worry, as regret. because everything happens for a reason, there must have been some meaning to him.

the latter he, meanwhile you sat and watched me go in the wrong direction. you waited for me to finally come to you, and when i did, there was no condemnation in your voice. in your heart, you saw my brokenness. and you hated him for it, you hated every second he spent not loving me wholly and completely like you do.

and i see it now. i see your love for me, and though i hate it has taken so damn long to admit: i am so madly in love with you. no distance or time apart lessens this reality. this gift i was given of loving from afar...

the truth is, i would redo the heartache that was him if it led me back to you.

but if i could erase him from my story, from the very beginning of it all... that night we sat on my couch holding hands as our bodies pressed against each other. if i could, i would go back to that night when we dreaded the morning that would separate us for however long it continues to. if i could, in that night i'd choose you. i wouldn't have turned my head away, instead i would have pressed my lips firmly against yours and let the whole of love envelope me. because i knew even then that you weren't just another chapter, rather you could be it. the story i would write for however long life on this earth is granted to us. i knew all of this that night, but i chose him because it was easier. and as much as i resented him for taking the easier way out in the end, i was the hypocrite. our whole time together was based on a lie; i had chosen him because it was easy. he was there, and you- you were leaving on a plane in four hours.

i hate that plane, and i loathe the ocean that separates us.

regardless, i don't believe in making yourself suffer because of decisions made. yes, i should have chosen you in the beginning, but i didn't.

though deep down inside, i always have.

because i never had a choice, but you.